Dad's Pancakes

Now that Emily has revealed my secret of “Dad Pancakes” I am obligated to follow Securities and Exchange Commission Regulation FD which reads:

“Regulation FD (Fair Disclosure) is the regulation that provides that when an organization, or person acting on behalf of the organization, discloses material nonpublic information to certain enumerated persons (in general, other sleep deprived desperate parents, securities market professionals and stockholders who may well change their behavior based on the information), the organization must make instant (or as close to instant as possible) public disclosure of that information.”

Failure to make full disclosure regarding “Dad’s Pancakes” could result in trading sanctions, decreased time allotments for watching the NBA Playoffs, and increased penalties in the form of additional home repairs, and “Girls’ Night Out” assistance.

The following step-by-step guide will result in immediate and guaranteed satisfied breakfast for children between the ages of 1 and 3. It is possible that the age range for breakfast satisfaction could extend beyond 3 years of age, but the research and development division of the Curtis Family is still in clinical trials for the older age group. Results are pending.

The primary problem that Dad’s face when attempting to implement the “Dad Pancake” strategy is that bread with syrup on it really does not taste very good. However, bread with syrup on it does look remarkably like traditional pancakes with syrup.

1. On a Saturday morning wake up with the kids, give your wife a gentle kiss on the cheek and tell her you will take the kids for a while so she can sleep in. This will immediately set off at least a half dozen alarms and warnings in Wife’s head, but if you move quickly out of the room, the alarms will not overcome Wife’s natural sleep deprivation. She will be back to sleep within minutes.

If Wife does voice concern about your unusual behavior, simply hum a lullaby until she returns to sleep. If the lullaby does not work, abort the mission, bring the kids into the bedroom, turn the TV on loud and begin wrestling with the kids in bed. This strategy will increase the likelihood that Wife will not question your behavior the next time you attempt to complete the “Dad’s Pancakes” strategy.

2. Once the Wife factor has been nullified, gather the children and ask them if they want pancakes for breakfast. Once everyone is excited about the pancake prospect, seat them around the kitchen table and retrieve a skillet (usually located in a lower cabinet near the large front-loading appliance that Wife uses to make dinner, also known as an oven)

3. Place the skillet on the oven as if you are cooking traditional pancakes. It is important at this point to distract the children with songs and comedic actions so they do not realize that you are not actually putting anything into the skillet.

4. Retrieve two slices of wheat bread for each child. Wheat bread is necessary because it is the same color as traditional pancakes. Using a knife, remove the crusts from the bread and cut each slice into a round shape.

5. Place the bread on a microwave safe plate and nuke for 20 seconds, this softens and warms the bread to further mimic traditional pancakes.

6. Now is time for the crucial presentation step. This will make or break the “Dad Pancake” strategy, and it is a one-time deal. If you screw this up, you will never enjoy the benefits of the most simple happy breakfast meal ever created.

Take the plate containing the bread in your left hand and the syrup container in your right hand (invert for left-handed fathers). Place the plate in front of the oldest child first using an over-the-head placement trajectory so that the child only has a few moments to inspect the bread that is masquerading as pancakes. Quickly follow with a steady stream of syrup starting close to the bread then raise the syrup container higher with a quick upwards motion and a loud “Uuuuup”. This will further distract the children from the round piece of bread that is now covered in syrup (note: you must use cool or cold syrup for the long-pour portion of the strategy, using heated syrup will result in messy splashing. Syrup stored at 40 degrees Fahrenheit has sufficient viscosity to be poured from 6 feet without splashing).

7. Using a knife and/or fork quickly cut the bread into bite-size pieces for the oldest child. By this time you will know whether or not the “Dad Pancake” strategy was successful. Once the oldest begins eating the syrup soaked bread then the other children will not question the validity or acceptability of “Dad’s Pancakes” no matter how funny they taste.

8. After successful execution of the “Dad Pancake” strategy, any time a meal is needed, simply tear bread into small pieces and pour syrup on top in a location where the children cannot readily see your activities.

Using the “Dad Pancake” strategy will allow you to get credit from Wife for preparing a nice breakfast for the kids, and bonus points for cleaning up after making a nice breakfast for the kids.

The kids will now associate the taste of “Dad Pancakes” with one of their favorite foods and will always be happy to receive little more than bread with syrup on it.

Disclaimer: reaction of Wife when she realizes what “Dad Pancakes” are can vary.