Saturday, May 22, 2010

OK...One more

So I have to write one more, mostly because I get to brag that I really am the most incompetent parent EVAR!! That, and its 12:15am, I am too tired to work effectively. So why don’t I go to bed you ask?

Early on in the week I called this single parenting experiment a success because there had been no deaths or debilitating injuries.

In business school, one lesson taught in the leadership curriculum dealt with setting goals, monitoring progress, and adjusting goals in order to maintain morale. Morale at Clyde-Curtis Inc. is in serious jeopardy…

It all started about 24 hours ago. I finished picking up the house while the boys were winding down for the day. Thor and Asher’s rooms were clean, the boys ready to go down. This is where I made a VERY IMPORTANT discovery for dads everywhere (pay attention).

When mom goes out of town DO NOT SING BEDTIME SONGS ABOUT MOM LEAVING TO YOUR 5 YEAR-OLD! I have been singing this lullaby almost every night to Asher since he was about a year old. It is one of his favorite songs:

Go to sleep little babe,
Go to sleep little babe
Your momma's gone away and your daddy's gonna stay
Didn't leave nobody but the baby
Go to sleep little babe,
Go to sleep little babe
Everybody's gone in the cotton and the corn
Didn't leave nobody but the baby
Don't you weep pretty babe
Don't you weep pretty babe
She's long gone with her red shoes on
Gonna need another loving babe
Go to sleep little babe
Go to sleep little babe
You and me and the devil makes three
Don't need no other lovin' babe
Go to sleep little babe
Go to sleep little babe
Come lay bones on the alabaster stones
And be my everlovin baby

Asher was crying hysterically after the third line.

Kids finally asleep, I went to work for the night. I was just wrapping up work at about 12:30am, getting some analysis done for a 7:30am meeting. I wandered down to the bedroom end of the house fully expecting to find Thor waiting for me with some stellar ninja skills. Every night prior this (that Emily has been gone for) when I go to bed, Thor has been waiting for me, usually sitting there, staring at me with a very menacing look.

Thor is a complicated adversary. Just when I thought I had him figured out, he changed his behavior and took advantage of my complacency. I went to that end of the house and saw no Thor. I heard no noises. I went in to check on Thor, and he was not there. That’s a scary feeling.

I sprint down to Asher’s room hoping that Thor is there, and this is what I see:

Asher was in the same place I had left him when he fell asleep, this is all the work of one disgruntled 3 year-old (now cleverly disguised as an adorable sleeping child right next to his older brother), remember I had just picked up the room a few hours earlier. I think Emily may be reading “Art of War” to Thor at nights.

Now, I have been fighting a cold for several days, and Asher came down with the same symptoms yesterday. I went to work to get documents and then headed home to provide excellent parental support for Asher. I cancelled all the babysitting, and decided I could go it alone. Afterall, I am a multi-tasker, I can get work done and tend to 2 children.

I am now approximately 8 hours behind on my work.

At one point in the afternoon, after I realized I was not going to get any work done, I decided to get some other projects finished. Off to Home Depot for wood to fix the fence. While loading the wood into the van there was a lot of sawdust. Asher got some in his eye and starting crying. He rubbed his eye a few times, then really started crying. 3 hours later here is a picture of “Pirate Asher” (as he likes to be called).

Doesn't that face just say, "Mom, where the hell are you? This guy you left in charge is a total HACK!"

All things being equal if you have to make a miserable mistake while in charge of your own children, a scratched cornea is one of the better injuries to have. The fix takes about 30 seconds, and the test to see how bad the scratch is involves a black light (Asher thinks there is nothing crazier than a black light). Total recovery time is 12-24 hours, after that the patient is back to normal (eyes heal fast).

Fast forward to..well…now. I finished work at 11:30. I head for bed and find Thor in Asher’s room trying to wake up the pirate. “WAKE UP ASHER!! WAKE UP!!”

Asher has a numbed eyeball, and the doctor told me to give him ibuprofen and Benadryl in order to knock him out. It worked, Pirate Asher was completely oblivious to his brother jumping up and down on Pirate Asher’s bed.

I scoop up Thor and try to get him to go to sleep, he just started jumping on me, “WAKE UP DAD!!! WAKE UP!!” (I was never asleep).

And so now it is 12:30am, and I am completely defeated. Thor is watching Toy Story because he knows he has won, and I am trying to regroup. At least my one-eyed child is still asleep.

Time to adjust the goals in order to maintain morale. Here we are 2/3 of the way through and we have had no deaths, this single parenting experiment is a SUCCESS!

Go team dad…

P.S. The pirate is up.


Adriana said...

only you would find a lulluby like that :D

I can't wait til Luke, Thor as you like to call him :) is a teen!
Yes, one learns quickly that trying to "work" with two small boys (like ours) is impossible! :D
You are almost there!

Tim and Jennifer said...

Tim had to ask me what I was doing because I was laughing aloud so much. Hope Asher feels better soon! Are you getting a vacation after this?

Nate said...

Adrian - its an old slave lullaby, probably written by a particularly passive-aggressive mother-in-law. I learned it from the movie "O Brother Where Art Thou"

I only keep singing it because Emily hates it so much. I think it is off the request list from here on out.

Jennifer - Glad you are enjoying my pain and suffering :) I get to go hunting when Emily is 8 months pregnant. This will be the second time I take off for a week within a month of a baby being born.

In short, I deserve everything I am getting.

And no, I have never been hunting before, I have no idea why I am doing that.

Mary said...

When Emily gets home, we must chain her to the house. Having had this sniff of freedom, she may try to bolt.